he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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