It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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