Where is the hickey?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
