Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
