sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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