I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone came in the potted fern
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I love you. Go after that dick
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize