New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
