New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You are the jesus of drinking
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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