dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
