Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
