Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
