Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
