i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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