Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
