She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
