Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
