So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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