Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
