so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
how drunk are you?
Several
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
