Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
