By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
