WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
