Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
