you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The Olympian is in my bed
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
