Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize