That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
