I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
