Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
