"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
