Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
