pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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