I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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