if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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