Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
