When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pants are for mortals
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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