Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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