then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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