After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
