I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize