He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
