you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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