Ambien. No doubt about it.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
