I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
