I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Randomize
