***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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