This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
