I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize