I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
