tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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