She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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