how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize