it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
