I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
