I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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