Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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