I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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