he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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