I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
