but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
