Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
