you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
