Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
