Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
