It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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