sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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