Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
