Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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