it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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